To-Do List

It’s Friday. My workweek is finally over and I’m drained both physically and mentally, not that I do any physical work. I sit at a desk staring at a computer all day. It is all I can do these days to get through the week without biting someone’s head off. It might be “Friday night” for some, a time to celebrate the workweek’s end, but for me, it is just another go to bed early night in hopes that I will have the energy to get all of the other things in my life done that I don’t have time to do during the week.

Saturday morning, I sit with a cup of coffee and write my To-Do List. It begins with the simple things – wash clothes, go grocery shopping, de-clutter the house, vacuum, walk the dog, and pay a few bills. My brain then conjures up all of the things I want or need to do, but never seem to have time to do – create a budget, apply for a new job, meet up with a friend I haven’t seen lately, talk to my mom over the phone, write more on my novel, listen to inspiring music or a spiritual talk. The list keeps growing. It has become evident by the tension in my body that even with coffee, it’s not likely I will get it all done over this weekend. This of course leads to next weekend’s list beginning to grow, along with the sickening feeling in my stomach.

As the pressure builds, I feel an aching in my head. My breath has become shallow and it’s like the level of oxygen needed to propel my body to complete the tasks at hand is lacking. I grow weary already, but take more gulps of coffee. I think about how this list could be even worse if I had small children. Is this what my life has evolved into? A series of to-do’s at work and at home?

Feeling empty and high on caffeine, I begin. Laundry in washer, check. Grocery list made, check. Bills paid, check. De-clutter miscellaneous stuff accumulated through the week, check. Vacuum, check. The coffee has really kicked in now. Time for the dog walk and errands.

The air is crisp and my dog drags me down the road, excited to go for his first walk in weeks. It occurs to me that this is how I am feeling in my life right now, dragged through all of the things “to-do” and always running out of time.

In all of the running and doing, I have forgotten how to “just be” in the moment. Like a child in a sandbox letting sand run slowly through her fingers, giggling as granules build a small, cone-shaped hill. Maybe I should add that to my list. Just be. I feel the corners of my mouth curl into a smile. That is what I have been missing.

When I get back home, I look at my list and begin to wonder which of these things actually have to get done today and if I can give myself permission to take a “time-out” from the running. Who decided that all of these things had to be done anyway? Me? The voice in my head? It’s no wonder I’ve become grumpy, just going through the motions and feeling tired all of the time. I haven’t taken the time, or made the time, to do something my heart wants to do. I mark through the things on the list that are not imperative and decide to add meditation. Now I have to do it! It’s on my list! I laugh aloud and for the first time in a long while, I feel a slight glimpse of freedom from all of the “have-to’s” and “should’s”.

I grab a pillow off the couch and place it behind my back, sit on the floor and lean against the couch. So that I am not tempted to check the clock during this time, I set a timer for 30 minutes, and start the nature-sounds music. I close my eyes and take deep breaths. At first, this feels wonderful, just to sit and breathe. I feel my shoulders begin to lower from my earlobes and other tension begin to release. Sixty seconds of pure bliss and then my mind begins. It reminds me of the things I forgot to add to the list. It tells me I don’t have time for this. It tells me I have another bill to pay or extra things from the grocery store I need to pick up. I take a deep breath and practice allowing the random thoughts to fade to black without taking action. Another 20 seconds of quiet, a stillness in my body. More random thoughts of a friend I would like to call, a lake I’d like to visit and float around on an inner tube, feet dangling in the water. Quiet. Time flies. I open my eyes, feeling more at peace knowing I am the one who gets to choose how my day goes.

I’ve practiced meditation for many years, although it has been weeks since I’ve committed myself to doing it daily. I’ve led others through weekly meditation practice in a prayer/meditation circle at my house in North Carolina years ago and also taught mindfulness classes. It’s amazing that regardless of how much we know or practice, we are still capable of getting caught up in the life of “doing” and not taking the time to just be who we are and let our heart lead us where it wants to go or where our soul needs to go. This simple act of sitting, of being still, can bring a greater joy and renewal even in the “doing”. I am grateful for the reminder of how simple life can truly be if we allow ourselves to take a time-out. May you also give yourself permission to live fully in this moment.

*This is a brief article I wrote and submitted to a women’s magazine for women 50 and over and I just wanted to share on my blog as well.